me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.