Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
just pretend nothing happened
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Merry Christmas
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.