me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Social distancing in Australia:
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
next question.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!