Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program