Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
me: with his mouth
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos
ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*