Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
You Might Also Like
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.