Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying