Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Bit chilly again tonight.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.