Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter