ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
This meal prepping shit easy
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.