Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.