Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
You Might Also Like
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
WTF IS THAT!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.