me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
You Might Also Like
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you