ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Mornin
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Confused owl: What?!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.