ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Do one person every day that scares you.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
When you don’t understand how floors work
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!