me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship