@GrantTanaka

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

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@geekysteven

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

@dadpickupline

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

@CulturedRuffian

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@internetluke

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.