Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Wife: When pigs fly!
Do I wish for flying pigs?
Con: High bacon prices
*starts building catapult
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.