Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.