me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My Guy
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones