Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.