me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Has there ever been a more American story?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.