me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me in tagged photos
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.