ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
We’ve all been there
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.