[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Boating season is upon us.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment