ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
accurate
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me