Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”