[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
goldfish mafia
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Bootstraps