@Cornjerker78

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

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@jenlaw_11

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@WetzelGeek

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

@WickedNadia39

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

@matt_obrien

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

@PrinceGreenJr

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting