me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses


“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV


The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!


I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad


Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.


chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”


I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..


Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting