Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy