Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
And now we wait
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”