Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”