Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.