Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
You Might Also Like
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.