me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
You Might Also Like
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
They’re called werewolves.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What an awful time to have common sense.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!