Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.