me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.