me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”