ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Good boy 😂😂
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that