@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

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@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@ImMelanieGibson

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@joshcomers

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@aveuaskew

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

@krisv_723

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

@StruggleDisplay

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious