Me: Wake up


Me: We’re late


Me: The house is on fire


Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.


doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day


My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.


Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.


MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.


[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th


If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair


“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious