ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
The options really are this bad
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!