Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit