Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*pokes sex life with a stick
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
wtf is a larm clock?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then