Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I鈥檒l never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I go by many names but I鈥檓 usually referred to as Plan B.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Single and childfree like Jesus
It鈥檚 the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn鈥檛 exist.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
If you鈥檙e dating someone named Merle you鈥檙e required to call them your Merlefriend.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I鈥檓 trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
馃檪馃檭馃ス
I don鈥檛 think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary鈥檚 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Phew. After THAT lunch I won鈥檛 need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.