Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY