ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.