me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed