ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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Unexpected Judgment
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.