@TheHatStore

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

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@WittySassBasket

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@AnOrangeSNES

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

@SheMightHave

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

@SentenceReduced

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

@rockymomax

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird