Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers