ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.