me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]