Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
How do you like your Corgi?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
me when i see my girls butt
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”