ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”