Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Finished stitching this today 😇
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”