ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
You Might Also Like
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
The three genders.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me